Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Surprise, Surprise, I'm not pregnant. Nor for that matter will I ever be. I'm some running cosmic joke upstairs, I believe. I think they all get a good laugh when they see me flinch at the site of a homeless mother holding her 3 year old daughter's hand in one hand, and a cardboard sign and cigarette in the other. I think they're throwing out bets as to if I will grab her and run away with her, raise her as my own, as if it was always meant to be. I'm not really sure about any of this, but this is how I feel.
No, to be perfectly frank about how I feel, I'd rather have a medical student in his 1st year of medical school, lay me down on a cold, hard, bed, while I'm wide awake, strap me to it, and grab a cold scalpel. Then slowly cut my heart out of my chest. Then just for kicks he holds it in his hands until it stops beating so it's not even good for a donor, and I lay there dead. Dying in such agony and pain that no one can even comprehend. That's how I feel right now.
I'm sick to death of pregnancy announcements. I'm sick of Birthday parties, baby showers, and stupid pregnant bellies everywhere I seem to go. They taunt me like a piece of candy to a child. I never want to leave my room again. Yet somehow my sweetheart always walks in at that perfect moment. He pulls my hair away from my face to reveal the tears streaming down my face as I silently sob. He doesn't even have to ask. He already knows my pain. He pulls me into his arms, kisses my head, and whispers that it will all be okay.
I want to believe my husband. I want to hold onto that hope. I want to have faith in the blessings he has given me where he has seen my children. I want to have faith in the power of not just the priesthood, but in my father in heaven. But right now, right this second, as tears fall from my eyes and roll down my cheeks; right now my faith is dwindling. My heart is breaking and I feel utterly alone. I feel as though no one in this world understands my pain.
How can God do this to me??! I'm doing everything he asks of me! I follow his teachings. I love my neighbors, and I serve them. I'm a good and righteous daughter of God. He's supposed to love me!! So I ask the dreaded question that never gets answered and just hangs in the air, "Why me God?" "Why me?!" Why won't you give me the only thing in this world that I want?! What have I done that is so bad that I don't deserve to be a mother?!
And then it comes just like it always does. Through my tears and pain come the overwhelming feeling of love. And then the thought appears so clearly that I know it's him speaking directly to me, "I've got this under control my sweet Jill. Leave this one to me my sweet daughter. Allow this one, just this once to be on my time. Have faith that I'll come through."
As my tears subside, I look into my husbands eyes, and he kisses me. I feel the purest, deepest, and truest love that I have always felt from him, and I know one day it will all be okay. Someday, somehow, I will be a mother one day.