Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Not Surprised

Surprise, Surprise, I'm not pregnant.  Nor for that matter will I ever be.  I'm some running cosmic joke upstairs, I believe.  I think they all get a good laugh when they see me flinch at the site of a homeless mother holding her 3 year old daughter's hand in one hand, and a cardboard sign and cigarette in the other.  I think they're throwing out bets as to if I will grab her and run away with her, raise her as my own, as if it was always meant to be.  I'm not really sure about any of this, but this is how I feel.

No, to be perfectly frank about how I feel, I'd rather have a medical student in his 1st year of medical school, lay me down on a cold, hard, bed, while I'm wide awake, strap me to it, and grab a cold scalpel.  Then slowly cut my heart out of my chest.  Then just for kicks he holds it in his hands until it stops beating so it's not even good for a donor, and I lay there dead.  Dying in such agony and pain that no one can even comprehend.  That's how I feel right now.

I'm sick to death of pregnancy announcements.  I'm sick of Birthday parties, baby showers, and stupid pregnant bellies everywhere I seem to go.  They taunt me like a piece of candy to a child.  I never want to leave my room again.  Yet somehow my sweetheart always walks in at that perfect moment.  He pulls my hair away from my face to reveal the tears streaming down my face as I silently sob.  He doesn't even have to ask.  He already knows my pain.  He pulls me into his arms, kisses my head, and whispers that it will all be okay.

I want to believe my husband.  I want to hold onto that hope.  I want to have faith in the blessings he has given me where he has seen my children.  I want to have faith in the power of not just the priesthood, but in my father in heaven.  But right now, right this second, as tears fall from my eyes and roll down my cheeks; right now my faith is dwindling.  My heart is breaking and I feel utterly alone.  I feel as though no one in this world understands my pain.

How can God do this to me??!  I'm doing everything he asks of me!  I follow his teachings.  I love my neighbors, and I serve them.  I'm a good and righteous daughter of God.  He's supposed to love me!!  So I ask the dreaded question that never gets answered and just hangs in the air, "Why me God?"  "Why me?!"  Why won't you give me the only thing in this world that I want?!  What have I done that is so bad that I don't deserve to be a mother?! 

And then it comes just like it always does.  Through my tears and pain come the overwhelming feeling of love.  And then the thought appears so clearly that I know it's him speaking directly to me, "I've got this under control my sweet Jill.  Leave this one to me my sweet daughter.  Allow this one, just this once to be on my time.  Have faith that I'll come through."

As my tears subside, I look into my husbands eyes, and he kisses me.  I feel the purest, deepest, and truest love that I have always felt from him, and I know one day it will all be okay.  Someday, somehow, I will be a mother one day.


  1. Jilly, I can only barely imagine the painful sorrow you have to endure. Infertility is such a long, lonely road. But you are right, Heavenly Father has got this. Even when it seems impossible, there is a plan for you. He loves you and is taking care of you! You will be an even more caring and perfect mother because of the work necessary to get those babies to you. Hang in there. You are loved by so many and we are praying for you! :)

  2. Oh my heart is aching for you! You are brave. You are not broken. Please know that you are not alone. You will get through this dark time. I am an infertility survivor of 17+ years. You have a community of women to look to for support love and faith when it is more than you can bear. Let us take some of the burden from you...I'm here to listen if you ever want to{at}brianchristine{dot}com

  3. Thank you for putting that in words. I am in the exact same place today. This week. In fact, most of the last three months. You are not alone. I am not alone and women like you, who are brave enough to talk about it, help the rest of us know we are not alone when we feel oh so down and out.

  4. I'm in tears right now as I read all of these beautiful and comforting comments. Thank you for your love, support, and prayers. I'm moved beyond words by your kindness.

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  6. First time I've seen your blog, and I appreciated what you shared. I am a birth mom, but sometimes I feel the same way you do..... why was it God's plan to place my child for adoption? But I learned an important lesson when I placed my daughter with her adoptive family. I was once talking with the adoptive mom, and she said "I sometimes think if I was more faithful, I would have had my miracle and become pregnant." I said, "yes but I wouldn't have had MY miracle."

    I was 33, in an abusive relationship, excommunicated from the church, and depressed. When I found out I was pregnant, I thought I had finally reached the end of my allotment of second chances. But my life changed when I realized the love God has for my daughter. I learned that if God loved her that much, He loved me the same way. So even though my daughter wasn't meant to be mine, she saved me on the way to her TRUE family. I have become convinced that sometimes we experience trials together -- the adoptive mom and I have more in common because of our feelings of loss due to life situations, but bond over the love we have for our daughter. On your dark days, remember that God has chosen you to pass through these hard times so that, in the end, you may help others on the way.

    1. Heather, what a beautiful and true sentiment about experiencing trials together! We share the similar feelings for our children's first mothers. :)

  7. Trials are different for every single person. However, many of us suffer similar difficulties (I belief that is one of Heavenly Father's tender mercies... simply knowing you're not alone can help a heart greatly!) My husband and I are also unable to bear children and I have felt the emotions you wrote every single month for the past 10 1/2 years. However, your very, very last sentence was right. Someday, somehow, you WILL be a mother. :) Our two children came to our family through adoption. Other women bring theirs home through fertility treatments. Either way, infertility is still unbelievably painful, although not fatal. But, this trial is building your faith and trust in Him and through it you WILL become the woman Heavenly Father NEEDS you to be! :)

  8. Thank you to all of you for your beautiful, kind, loving, and supportive comments. They mean more to me than I can express in words. Thank you for sharing your stories of heartache and pain, and also of hope. It means the world to me. To know I'm not alone helps so much. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! To every single one of you beautiful women that have left me such touching comments. Thank you for reading my blog, and sharing my life with me.

  9. Infertility is such a difficult trial! Hang in there...I remember when I use to say "What did I do wrong to be this way?" But now I say "What did I do right to be blessing in this incredible way!" You path to parenthood my not be the same as mine but the destination is the same...The Lord will guide you along your path and when you finally reach your destination you will look back and see all of the things you can't see now. The Lord knows the end from the beginning we just have to hang on and keep our eyes on Him. I am so sorry you are going through all of this! You are truly not alone in your feelings! Sending BIG online hugs!!!

  10. I'm going through a similar thing, and know very well the heartache you are experiencing. My husband and I have decided to proceed the with adoption process because we haven't succeeded in conceiving on our own. We feel God strongly leading us in this direction! we actually are starting our P.R.I.D.E. training (training for becoming adoptive parents in Canada) tonight! and we are so excited as this is the first official thing we need to accomplish and we are getting one step closer to our dream of a family!

  11. Dude. Infertility sucks. Sucks hard.

    Here in the trenches with you.


  12. Hello! I have totally been there (and sometimes, on occasion, I am brought back there). I wanted to share with you three blog posts. One is by CJane Kendrick. It's called "Sufficient Grace" and it's about how fertility issues are more than just not having a baby in your arms.

    The other blog posts were written by me. The first one is called "Coping with my Infertility."

    The second one is called "Silence." It's about how the Lord sometimes answers our prayers. He answered mine in a way that will probably be different than yours, but the concept could still apply to your situation. Like Brenda above, I too send you big online hugs!

    Prayers to you on your journey!

  13. This was a comment from a sweet woman. I accidentally deleted it instead of publishing it, so I wanted to copy and paste it so she knew that I received it and appreciated her email so much. I think her name might have been Heather, but I'm not sure. Thanks for your sweet comment. Here it is....

    "My heart goes out to you and your post takes me right back to the many, many years when I was in the same place. It took us about 9 years to have our first baby. It was such a long and difficult road, full of heartache, disappointment, and despair. It was hard to get my hopes up, just to have them dashed.....again and again and again. I didn't want to get my hopes up, but I couldn't help it. Motherhood was something I desperately longed for and hoped for. And, I too, wanted to have faith in the blessings I had been given that we would have children. But my faith seemed to be cyclical...sometimes I felt like I had hope and faith and felt like everything would be ok, no matter what. But other times I felt like I pretty much lost all hope and faith. And yet somehow, I kept plugging along because 1) I did haven't a choice, and 2) my strong desire to become a mother outweighed everything else and I knew we had to hang in there, exercise faith in God's plan and timing for us, and just keep trying. And I know that God was with me and helped carry me through those times when I felt like I hit rock bottom. It was with His help that I was able to pick myself back up and try again. After many, many years, our dreams came true and we have blessed with 3 beautiful children, through the miracle of adoption. God's hand was so evident in the building of our family and I know everything happened according to His will and in His own due time. As hard as it was to get our children here, I would do it all again because they are absolutely worth it! Motherhood is absolutely worth it! That was probably way more than you wanted to hear, but I hope you know that you are not alone. And someday, it will all be ok. Hang in there!"

  14. My heart aches as well. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I'm so sorry for everything you have been through. I don't understand why the world seems so simple for others and so unfair for those so dedicated and genuine. I'm impressed with your ability to find peace with the Lord. Often, I lack desire to keep asking. It just feels foolish when promises go unanswered, prayers are ignored, and miracles pass by.

    Despite faith and hope and dreams, I've never been blessed to have a loving husband. Your words, "He pulls my hair away from my face to reveal the tears streaming down my face as I silently sob. He doesn't even have to ask. He already knows my pain. He pulls me into his arms, kisses my head, and whispers that it will all be okay" touched my heart. I'd do anything for a moment like that.

    I wish I could promise you everything would be okay. I wish I could promise myself that. I too feel broken, lonely, and question whether a promising life still exists. But, this I do know... somehow those who have broken hearts inspire me. Perhaps it's their humility. Perhaps it's that they just keep going even though it never gets easier. Perhaps it's that I feel a little of their pain and so I love them.

    Deep inside it's hard to admit that I may never be blessed with a husband and might never be blessed with children. It's hard to admit that Heavenly Father's plan for me fell short. But somehow, there's a little comfort in reading stories like yours. So, I thank you for sharing.

  15. Emily, congratulations. I'm thrilled for you and your husband. Thanks for sharing and for stopping by our blog.

    Lindsey, your comment made me smile because it was true, direct, and perfect. It sucks. It's nice to know I'm not alone, even if it means that there are others suffering. It's nice to not have to suffer alone. Thank you for stopping by my blog. :) I love your jewelry too!

    Dear Jane, what a beautiful soul you have. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. You couldn't have known how badly I needed to hear that tonight. It's true, I can't have kids, but I am so blessed to have my Dave. I truly feel like the luckiest girl in the world. To have someone who comforts me through my pain, who knows me completely, and who loves me unconditionally, is one of the greatest gifts my Father in Heaven could have ever given me. Thank you for reminding me of that.

    I can't begin to imagine the pain and heartache that you go through. I can't imagine my life without Dave, nor would I want to. I would like to say that you'll find your "Dave" one day, but nothing in this life is guaranteed. That fact alone makes life beautiful and utterly hard, all at the same time. All I can say to your heartbreaking words is that I hope you can find some peace knowing that you will be in my prayers daily. I know I don't know you, but you have helped me in a huge way tonight, and the only way I know I can help you is to pray for you. Not pray that you'll find a husband, but pray that your heart will be comforted and that you will truly know of your worth. You have a beautiful spirit that I felt through your words, and I can't thank you enough for sharing that with me.

    I hope you have a wonderful night. Thank you for stopping by and reading my blog, and I hope you'll continue to do so. I would love to keep hearing from you.

  16. Brittney, thank you for sharing those posts with me. It truly helps to know I'm not alone. :) Have a wonderful weekend!

  17. Thanks for sharing this! I feel the same way about NOT being married and almost 40. I'm not talking about being divorced or widowed. I've NEVER been married. Its hard and I often cry like you but, unlike you, I don't have a sweetheart to comfort me. I have only my Heavenly Father. No one on earth quite knows what to so or what to say to me. Really? Just say it sucks and that its OK for me to be sad about it!! Cuz it does and it is! However, even though I don't know the purpose or the Lord's time, I know its part if HIS plan for me. And whatever that plan is, its the BEST one for me to become the person HE wants me to be so that I may become like HIM and return to HIS presence for eternity! That faith keeps me going!

  18. Thank you for putting in to words how many women feel when dealing with infertility! I just have to say that after our little guy was placed with us, my feelings of what did we do to deserve the pain, turned to what did we do to deserve so many blessings and miracles in our lives!!! I know it doesn't feel that way now, but it will in the end! Prayers going out to you and your husband. "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it." And it truly is!