I'm not one of those people that hides their sins from the world. I live by the code that no one can use anything against me because most of the time, I've already shared it. I feel as though we need people to be real and talk about their faults, mistakes, screw ups, and fails. It's the way we relate to each other, and find that we can lean on one another. Admitting that you're not perfect all the time is one of the greatest things about being human. Let's face it, I'm a sinner and I'm proud of it.
In my religion we have a strict code of conduct. There are things you can do and things you're not supposed to do. Drinking coffee, not swearing, being nice, not being vain, etc. These are some things that are extremely difficult for me, and I'm not embarrassed to say it. I make mistakes every day and these are just a few.
I'm the girl that has an unhealthy addiction to the delicious little black drink. Coffee. From the time I was 11 years old, I would drink the stuff every day with my aunt and grandma. It was disgusting at first, but like most things, I learned to love it. Over the years as I left the church, I didn't care that I drank it. It wasn't until I came back to the church that I realized I had to try harder. I do now. I try a lot harder than I ever have. You know what though, I still have a cup of coffee 1 or 2 times a month. I go into Starbucks, smell the delicious aroma, and realize why I love this place. I'll order a cup, and know that it's okay. It's okay because I'm a sinner. I admit it, I acknowledge it, and I love it. The world is not going to tumble down because Jill had a coffee.
Swearing. If you know anything about me, you know that I cuss like a sailor. It's one of my hardest habits to break. I just love to swear. You just can't empathize somethings without a good 'ol swear word. Every time I cross the line and use one a bit too harsh, I make a goal to not screw up again. Guess what though, I inevitably screw up again. I screw up because I'm a sinner. It's okay. I know I am, and it's just fine.
I'm not always nice to people. I have a bitchy attitude sometimes and I act like a brat. I'm not always on my best behavior. There are days when I'm running late and I don't want to have to put forth any extra effort. There are days when I curse people around me, get frustrated by ignorant people, and curse the ground that some people walk on. Most days I'm nice Jill, and can love the world, but sometimes I'm just not. It's okay. You're not a bad person because you're not nice all the time. You're human. Reality sucks at times but it doesn't mean God hates you, or me.
Being vain. WOW! I suck at this more than anything. Being vain is my number one greatest fault. I love to have name brand purses. I love to have expensive shoes that people know are expensive. I love the nice cars, big houses, cute expensive jeans, and the food from the best restaurants. Being vain though, I love to show it off. I love to take pictures of all my worldly goodies so that I can have people "like" it. It's awful, I know. Since we're being real though, this is real life for me. It's the number 1 sin that I work on more than any other. I have to remember what's important in this life, and remind myself that it's not money. It's incredibly hard, but it's true.
I was reading in the bible with Dave yesterday when I came across St Matthew 9:13-17. It talks about how Jesus goes to the sinners, not the saints. This is the reason I'm writing this post. Church is for sinners. Jesus is for sinners. Believing is for sinners.
When I left the church at age 14, I left because I was sinning and didn't think I was worthy of being there. Over the years I have heard the same thing from lots of people that have left. They didn't keep going because they weren't worthy to go. I wish I could go back and tell them that they're more worthy than anyone! Church is for SINNERS. If it was for perfect people, we wouldn't need to go to church. We wouldn't need to be taught about our Savior, his atonement, or his sacrifice for us. We would simply live and magically return to our Father in Heaven one day. That's not reality. If you sin, you need church. Whatever church that may be it doesn't matter, but you need to know your Father in Heaven loves you regardless if you sin or not.
I know I'm not perfect. I know people judge me all the time, and talk crap behind my back. I slip and swear in my Sunday school class, and my kids just laugh at me. I always make sure to tell them to not be like me though. It's all okay though. I know I sin. I also know my Savior loves me. If he loves me with all of my faults, all of my sins, all my mistakes, and missteps, he loves you too. He doesn't want you to feel alone or left out. He wants to show you that he loves you, and that church is for everyone. Sinners and Non-Sinners alike. We all need Christ in our lives.
So go on and sin. Don't beat yourself up about your mistakes. Simply try a little harder tomorrow, and keep going. You've got this even when you don't think you do. I promise you're not alone with your sins. We all have them, even if some are better at hiding them than others.
